i was Born

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear


Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find
Intuition, deja vu

The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind


Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be


Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me


We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me


I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

only YourLove, is strong.

He is all i need.

His love is all i need..





Your love is, Your love is, Your love is Strong."



"Heavenly Father,

You always amaze me.."

Thanks.



Butterfly Fly Away

I have those nights occasionally.

The nights of overwhelment.

Overwhelming school.

Overwhelming life.

Overwhelming with nonsense worry.

Wish I were a butterfly and could fly away.

Not fly away to get away,

but fly away to do what I'm meant to do.

I'm thankful for my mum...

who reminds that I'm still a catapiller.

My fly away day will come,

but not today.

"Wish you may, and wish you might...







Don't you worry, hang on tight...

 



 





I just have to wait for my day.

To fly away.

everything Is Yours

Mmmmm :)

Ok.

I'm finished with the negativity.

Nothing is mine.

So there's nothing to worry about.

Ah, now that's so refreshing.

-

"...if everything is Yours, everything is Yours

if everything is Yours,

I can't let it go; it was never mine to hold.

...

I can't let it go -I can't let it go

Cause everything is Yours, everything is Yours..."

the worst part.

I guess the worst part is,

I knew it was coming.

I heard this song this past weekend,

and repeated it for hours.

Digesting the lyrics.

Thinking of the story behind them.

I knew this past weekend.

That image was in my head.

I hate those images.

Because I can't change the future.

Especially when I've already glimpsed it.

Now that doesn't mean it can't change,

because it can.

But sometimes I hate being right.

I wish one dream was wrong.

I miss you.

Not the stuff, not the extras.

Just you.

The talks, the walks.

Wish I could tell you.

I'm in a confusing place.

A confusing state of mind.

Do I wait?

Do I let go?

I know I DO trust God.

That's the only thing I can do.

I'm looking to the future,

and it's a beautiful thing.

Because God's in it :).

________________________________________________

"I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered

For just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go

Away

Away?

...

All that I know is that I

don't know how to be something you miss

...

You can plan for a change in weather and town

But I never planned on you changing your mind"

Falling Up ... and exiting the fall.

How do I deal with learning.

I don't know.

I wish learning wans't so painful,

but then I guess we'd never really learn.

I guess next time I shouldn't say what's on my heart.

I guess next time I shouldn't get so caught up.

I guess next time I shouldn't...

NO.

Next time I SHOULD think things through.

Next time I SHOULD listen to both, my head and heart.

Next time I SHOULD...

Should what?

There's no perfect solution.

There's no fight, no "big problem."

It's always the same,

"I don't know what I want."

"Our futures don't match up."

"I need to focus and not be distracted."

Good to know I'm:

confusing

only present

and

distracting.

Well, I know what I want.

Not a fling.

Not a convenience.

Love isn't convenient.

And it isn't easy.

But it is worth fighting for.

I'm not mad.
I'm just not a toy.

Even though I wish we could stay together and work it out,

rather than running away...

I exited the fall and now it's over.

I'm learning it's all before my heart.

______________________________________________________

"From the shallows enough

to the depths of your scars

you know you want to change

In the rafters of fate

fixed and spinning late

there is a certain fear

...

I found a way out through

everything I've known

I'm walking fearless put

my faith down and all that I own

...

 Call it what you wanna

call it all a game

call it insane

all of these voices

...

So exit the fall and now it's over

you're learning it's all before your heart

so exit the fall and now it's over

you're learning it's all before your heart"



Life. As I know it.

9.29.10 was one month ago.

At 1:27 am.

He seems to intrigue me more each day,

as we learn new things about each other

It's like a mini adventure.

Although we're currently limited with time and money,

we're unlimited with dreams, ambitions and encouragement.

This is life. As I currently know it.

I think I will change the title of this blog.

It started with, How I Deal With Distance.

Then it was, How I Deal With Heart Break.

Seeing as now I have no idea who actually reads this blog,

I may simply call it,

How I Deal.

This is now, how I deal with life, as I currently know it.



Healing Heart

9/29/10

At 1:27 AM

:)

My heart is no longer broken,

it began healing about a month ago.

As soon as I let go,

it happened;

 he walked in.

He walked into the room,
and into my life.

The very 1st day of university,

The very 1st class,

The very 1st person I spoke with...

That was August 25, 2010.

Today is September 29, 2010.

And this is crazy.

We are together,

and I couldn't be happier.

This is the end of the heartbreak blog.

Dreams do come true.
Just have the faith to trust God,
and let go.

"Like lightening running through my veins"

Mmmhmmm.

It's true.

He's captured my heart.

And I don't know what to do.

-

It's so soon.
It's so fast.
It's so strong.
It's so real.
It's so unlike anything I've ever felt.
...
It's so crazy.

---

"Please forgive me, If I act a little strange

For I know not what I do.

Feels like lightening running through my veins

Every time I look at you, Every time I look at you.

Help me out here

All my words are falling short

And there's so much I want to say

Want to tell you just how good it feels

When you look at me that way, When you look at me that way...

...Please forgive me if I act a little strange."

ok.

Perfect lyrics.

Happiness

Did I really just meet someone who makes me feel this way?

"You can't know, oh no

you can't know

how much I think about you, no

It's making my head spin

Looking at you

and you're looking at me

and we both know what we want

hmmm, so close to giving in.

Feels so nice

Oh yeah, you feel so nice

wish I could spend the night

but I can't pay the price

oh no, no

But I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around

And I can feel your high

rocking me inside

it's too much to hide.

I know, oh yes

I know that we can't be together

but, I just like to dream

It's so strange

the way our paths have crossed

how we were brought together

Hmmm, it's written in the stars it seems

Feels so nice

oh yeah, you feel so nice

I'd love to spend the night

but I can't pay the price

oh no, no...

Back to earth

where did you take me to

I know there's no such thing

as painless love

well I'll catch us up

and we can never win

but ohhh

I feel so alive

ohhh

just wanna hold you so tight.

And I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around

And I can feel your high

touching me inside

and it's too much to hide

And I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around."

The Wind Blows

Today marks 5 months.

Ironically it's my father's birthday.

Can't lie and say I don't think about him occasionally,

because I do.

But overall... I think I'm ok.

I'm lonely, but it's good.

I think.

I need to breathe again.

-

"I got to breathe,

you can't take that from me,

I can finally say we're through, 

I'll leave when the wind blows..."

Only in Greece

 After 4  months, 

I gave in to my inner, urging desire and sent him a message. 

Do I regret it?

I'm still not sure. 

*sigh*

 I  may have just shot myself in the foot,
but isn't it better to say what's on your mind rather than holding it in?
Hm.
Wish I knew.

Always said I wanted to go to Greece.
Always said if I vanished, I'd be in Greece.
Come find me in Greece.
 I also always asked him if we could run away to Greece.
His reply was always the same, but I still want to escape.
To Greece.
______________________________________________________________


"When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go,
to my love
....
My love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies
But baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you..."

alone in Europe

Wow, were these past weeks a struggle.

I was in Germany with my family working at an English camp.

I didn't even decide to join them until 2 weeks before the camp.

Mainly because of the stupid, selfish reason that wasn't ready to go back.

They left before me, leaving me to travel by myself.

I'm a big girl and have been traveling alone for years.

But this year, I did not want to travel alone.

And return home alone.

To much down time to think...

and too many memories to remember.

I got back last night.

From Europe.

I was 7 hours away from him.

and didn't see him...

wow.

So close. So, so close.

The camp was amazing, don't get me wrong.

But satan tried his hardest to distract me the painful way.

I hate to say that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off...

Everything the entire week reminded me of him.

Everything.

It was so hard.

This was the first time in years that I explored new, foreign cities without him.

The first time I wasn't in Europe holding some one's hand.

.His hand.

And of course, while I was fighting my inner desire to jump on a train and rush to see him,

mutual friends posted pictures of him on Facebook.

Looking amazing, of course.

Surrounded by girls, of course.

When it hits, it hits hard. Duh.

Shoulda figured that would happen.

_______________

It's been 4 months and 1 day...

But it feels like yesterday.

Give it all to God, give it all to God, give it all to God....

God, please take it all away.

I'm so tired.

3 months to this day.

I can honesty say I was doing very well, 

until July 4th came. 

That holiday holds more pain for me than any other holiday. 

The past few weeks I've found myself listening to many back-atcha/super single songs. 

Although he never lied, cheated or physically hurt me,
I guess I like to think these songs relate to my "hurting, aching heart."
Or maybe, I'm just a pansy.

"Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem. 

"Impossible" by Shantell

"Photographs" by Rihanna

"Ridin Solo" by Jason Derulo

"Bulletproof" by La Roux
 __

But today (5 min ago), which marks 3 months, 

all I can think of is what do I say now. 

We needed to say what we needed to say. 

The truth hurts. 

Right?

If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't be the right thing. Right?

I'm challenging myself to say what needs to be said. 

While practicing self control. 

Together, both are quite difficult.

But I need to say...what I need to say. 

I just don't know if I have enough guts to say it to him.

the great escape?

 

"I had a dream I could fly...

still wonder if I can fly, or if it was just a dream. 

Think I was searching for something, 

not knowing what I had to face. 

Until I found out the reason, 

that's when I made my great escape." 

ponder

This morning I was going to post the song "Riding Solo" by Jason Derulo.
It's about going solo after ending a relationship.
Moving on past the pain, and enjoying a new life.

But today I worked at a wedding as an assistant photographer,
and I just couldn't help but think of him,
and our plan of marriage
(that would have been in a few years).

Today reminded me that I'm back at zero,
back at the beginning,
and when the bride's maids tried hooking me up with the bride's younger brother
and the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet...
It reminded me of where I am.

Right now I'm not in a negative mood or a rejoicing mood.
Just a pondering, reflective mood.
And this song is appropriate for that.

 Hmmm...  i wish i knew my own thoughts.

Tired

Why.The.Hell.Do.I.Miss.Him.So.Much.

I can't pull myself together tonight. 

I feel so alone. 

But why?!

I'm tired of this. 

A good day here, a bad night there. 

NO.

I wanna get off the see-saw, climb back up the ladder and finally slide down the slide into a refreshing pool.

_____________________________

They say for every year you dated, that's how many months it'll take to get over the relationship. 

I have a feeling it's going to take much more than four months to get over him. 

I still love him.

The Switch

Last night I made the switch. 

Although it's only been one month and three weeks since we broke up, 

I still  hadn't changed my facebook status. 

We agreed that we wouldn't made our breakup a big deal, 

therefore keeping it low key so people wouldn't know. 

But I'm tired of people asking how he's doing, 

when I'm going  to see him next, 

ect.

I hate seeing the look on their face when I say, 

"I don't really know. 

We broke up almost 2 months ago, 

so I really don't know what he's doing at all now."

I know his friends saw my changed relationship status. 

Got a few "shocked" comments. 

I hope he's not hurt from me making it public now. 

It was just hurting me keeping it a secret.

 ___________________________________________________________

 "Breathe in breathe out, 

move on and break out...

We push and pull, 

and I fall down sometimes...

Cause there is a light, in your eyes.

Hold on and hold tight,  

and if I'm out of your sight, 

everything keeps moving on, movin' on. 

Hold on, hold tight,

Make it through another night,  

Cause everyday, there comes a song with the dawn.

 ..." 

Fearless

"Love, love is a verb,

Love is a doing word,

Fearless on my breathe.

Gentle impulsion, 

Shakes me, makes me lighter, 

Fearless on my breathe. 

Teardrop on the fire, 

Fearless on my breathe...

Stumbling a little,

Stumbling a little"

Fearless on my breathe.