Wednesday, August 8, 2012

It's pouring, in this rain.

I'm not even sure what to write. 

When it rains, it pours. 
And pours, and pours, and pours, and pours. 

I have my faith in God. 
I have my mum. 
Incredibly thankful for both.

I have my friends. But none of them know me
Honestly. Not who I really am. Right now.
I think that's pretty common, though. 
I'm sure everyone feels this way.

Heart is full. 
Mind is overwhelmed. 
Body is tired. 
Spirit is trusting.
God is good.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

I'm taking back my words.

You're so rude.
One minute I feel like you care, 
the next I feel like you want nothing to do with me.
You still hurt me. All the time. 
But yet you never leave my mind.
It's not our crazy fast, intimate, romantic relationship that I miss. 
It's our honest and true best friend relationship that we had. 
The connection we had that we, both, have never experienced with anyone else before. 
I know you miss me. 
I know you think of me. 
I miss you. 
I fucking miss you. 

Please talk to me. 
Do you have any idea how much I miss my friend?


I've run out of complicated theories
So now I'm taking back my words
and I'm preparing for the breakdown
Your t-shirt's lost its smell of you
And the bathroom's still a mess
Remind me why we decided this was for the best

Because I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you love
I miss you

Tuesday, April 10, 2012


I feel like I say this a lot, 
but I truly never saw myself being where I am. 
Not just today, but at this very moment. 

This exact weekend:
Two years ago - breaking up from a very long relationship (in Indiana)
One year ago - falling madly in love in a new relationship (in California)
This year - with the family of the guy I broke up with 2 years ago (in Slovakia)

Needless to say, my mind is full of memories.
G and I broke up two years ago after dating for 4 1/2 years. 
It was not an easy break up, and it took some time, but somehow we've gone back to being friends.
Actually, pretty good friends. 
Living alone in Europe is not easy. 
And last time I lived in Europe, it was with his family. 
He's been the one I call on a rough day, he knows me. 
And my past. And my Euro lifestyle. 
And, he's just a phone call away. 
I can't do that to any of my other close friends, as they are on different continents. 
He also speaks the language of where I'm living, which has been a huge help for different situations.
He's such a good friend. 
He knew I was having a rough time and invited me to stay with his family for the weekend.

I'm sitting on my bed, in the room I lived in four years ago. 
Even though there is nothing romantic between us at all, 
I feel so at home here. I know this family. I know this routine. 
I lived here. 

It's been strange at moments because there are memories literally everywhere. 
I've never been in this house without being in a relationship with him.

We can talk, though. And have. 
And the fact that he wanted to see the girl he's interested in this weekend, but didn't because I came, 
which made her pretty upset, makes me respect him even more.
A lot of people have questioned we're together again, since pictures of us have been posted on Facebook (not by us). He's been receiving messages of congratulations. 
But the truth is, we really are not together, and don't act like it, either. 
I've never seen a broken up couple able to do this before. 

I told him the other night that I was really glad we were still friends. 
And he said, "Well why wouldn't we be?"
That made me smile.
Regardless of our rough past, we have seriously put it in the past.

After I leave tomorrow, I may never see him again. 
Or maybe I will, my life has been playing fun games on me lately; 
bringing people back into my life who I thought I had lost.


Being in California with J at this exact time last year also brings memories. 
I fell so hard, in love. 
Completely shocked myself.
We broke up two months later. 
Various reasons. 
Maybe part of it was my moving to Europe. 
Maybe part of it was immaturity. 
But regardless, we've never stopped talking. 
I've dropped all feelings for him by now... as of last month. 
It took me 10 months. 
But of course I still think of him at times. 
Especially this weekend.
YET, I'm moving to California in a few months...
Hopefully we can be friends like G and I are now.
That may be too good to be true, though.
I don't know exactly what his thoughts are,
whereas G and I have truly moved on.
We even talk about recent hook ups.
He says I need to stop being so afraid and to take a risk.
To find a guy to have fun with, since I'm not looking for a relationship.
I say he needs to give it a chance with this new girl,
even though he's not looking for a relationship either.
He's moving to four countries over the next two years.
I'm switching continents again, and starting new again, but this time on the West coast.

So strange. 

When saying goodbye after our breakup over Skype,
I could not have imagined that two years later I would be staying with him for the weekend.
Likewise, last year, having the time of my life with J, 
I could not have imagined a year later we would be separated, yet still talking
and that I would also be such good friends with G.


I'm so blessed for the people that have been a part of my life.
And grateful that no bridges have been burned. 

I'm still single. And lonely. 
But it' okay. 
I'm learning how to deal. 
Forever learning.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Truth is.

 It's been 10 months. 
Truth is, that's the longest I've ever been single. 
Until 3 weeks ago, 
truth is, I didn't know how to deal. 

It's funny how we can say something, 
but never actually believe it. 
Truth is, 
you really do have to learn how to be happy on your own
before truly being happy in a relationship. 

I'm twenty-three years old and I'm finally learning how to accept myself. 
Truth is, 
sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself. 
But the truth is, 
how can you allow someone to love you, 
if you don't love yourself?

Learn to love yourself. 
Learn to be happy on your own. 
Learn to accept yourself. 

Truth is, you're beautiful. 
You are loved. 
And you are worth it. 

Sunday, February 20, 2011

distance dealing [again]

funny how we say we'll never do certain things. 
It's a pretty known fact that if you say "never," 
God's going to say, "Oh, yea?!" right in your stupid face. 

distant dating is back.

There are so many "I'll never.."s on my list...
The biggest one though is that I'm back in a long distance relationship.
However, I'm a huge advocate of everything happening for a reason...
Therefore, if anything, I have been severely prepped for this. 
I physically and mentally  know I can do this. 
Especially, since there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. 
There IS an end in sight. 
And I have NEVER felt this way before. 

The tittle of this invisible blog remains the same, "How I Deal," 
because I'm learning how to deal with life. 
And a relationship, long distance nonetheless, is just part of life learning.

Love conquers all. 

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
Phil. 4:13

"Be anxious for nothing..."
Phil. 4:6

"To everything there is a season, 
a purpose for every good work under heaven."
Ecc. 3:1


Sunday, January 23, 2011


I'm in such a strange place. 
In love. 
For real?
Yet alone.

I'm currently, and constantly, learning faith. 
Faith to fully and completely trust God.  
And I do. 
Can I miss him and still have faith?
I'm honestly afraid. 

He says he loves me. 
Yet... we're not "together." 
And I've heard those three words before...
"I love you."
I've heard them, and felt their effect. 
Those words feel great - until the person drops you like a fly. 

Until, they forget about you, 
move on, 
or simply don't care anymore.

That's when those three words echo in your heart,
and burn straight up flesh wounds
that paralyze your ability to believe and trust.
And have faith. 

I'm afraid.
I'm afraid he'll forget me. 
I'm afraid he won't care. 
I'm afraid he'll move on. 

Why do I care?
Well.. because I love him, too. 

We have done this entire thing backwards; 
-Meet for the first time
-Become friends
-Fall in love

Does that mean something?
Does it not?
 Why are my thoughts constantly on him...
That's unhealthy...

I trust God. I do. 
I know He has great things planned. 
I also know it's all in HIS time.
Not mine. 

I must be patient. My time is not yet here. 
So what do I do about this boy?
No, this man?

Is it wrong to feel so strongly about someone 
over 3,000 miles away who I can only hope and pray I'll see again?

With no commitment to each other, there's no obligation. 
Well, other than love. 
That's a strong obligation, right?

I'd like to say I'm confused, 
but I'm not. 
I'd like to say I'm stressed. 
but I'm not. 
I'd like to say...
Goodnight. To you. 
Please text me back. 

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Beyond This Moment... will be too late

Love does not envy...
Love does not boast..
Love keeps no record of wrong doing...

Love is forgiving.
Loves is patient.
Love is kind.


I love you. 
And I pray that never goes away.
Love will find a way. 
There is no time limit, no deadline.
It's always there, waiting to surprise us. 
You... you...
were a surprise. 
Such a lovely surprise,
at such a perfect time. 

I never believed in love at first sight...
I never thought someone could fit...
Goes to show, never say never. 
Because as soon as you do, 
God shakes His snow globe of a world 
and turns your plans upside down. 

Live life for today,
tomorrow will never come.
And love today, 
because tomorrow will be too late.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

i was Born

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find

Intuition, deja vu

The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind

Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be

Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me

We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love

I'm gonna learn to love without fear

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

only YourLove, is strong.

He is all i need.
His love is all i need..

Your love is, Your love is, Your love is Strong."

"Heavenly Father,
You always amaze me.."

Butterfly Fly Away

I have those nights occasionally.
The nights of overwhelment.
Overwhelming school.
Overwhelming life.
Overwhelming with nonsense worry.

Wish I were a butterfly and could fly away.
Not fly away to get away,
but fly away to do what I'm meant to do.

I'm thankful for my mum...
who reminds that I'm still a catapiller.
My fly away day will come,
but not today.

"Wish you may, and wish you might...

Don't you worry, hang on tight...


I just have to wait for my day.
To fly away.

Friday, November 12, 2010

everything Is Yours

Mmmmm :)

I'm finished with the negativity.
Nothing is mine.
So there's nothing to worry about.
Ah, now that's so refreshing.


"...if everything is Yours, everything is Yours
if everything is Yours,
I can't let it go; it was never mine to hold.
I can't let it go -I can't let it go
Cause everything is Yours, everything is Yours..."