Saturday, August 14, 2010

Only in Greece

 After 4  months, 
I gave in to my inner, urging desire and sent him a message. 
Do I regret it?
I'm still not sure. 

 I  may have just shot myself in the foot,
but isn't it better to say what's on your mind rather than holding it in?
Wish I knew.

Always said I wanted to go to Greece.
Always said if I vanished, I'd be in Greece.
Come find me in Greece.
 I also always asked him if we could run away to Greece.
His reply was always the same, but I still want to escape.
To Greece.

"When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go,
to my love
My love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies
But baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you..."

Monday, August 9, 2010

alone in Europe

Wow, were these past weeks a struggle.
I was in Germany with my family working at an English camp.
I didn't even decide to join them until 2 weeks before the camp.
Mainly because of the stupid, selfish reason that wasn't ready to go back.

They left before me, leaving me to travel by myself.
I'm a big girl and have been traveling alone for years.
But this year, I did not want to travel alone.
And return home alone.
To much down time to think...
and too many memories to remember.

I got back last night.
From Europe.
I was 7 hours away from him.
and didn't see him...

So close. So, so close.

The camp was amazing, don't get me wrong.
But satan tried his hardest to distract me the painful way.
I hate to say that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off...
Everything the entire week reminded me of him.
It was so hard.

This was the first time in years that I explored new, foreign cities without him.
The first time I wasn't in Europe holding some one's hand.
.His hand.

And of course, while I was fighting my inner desire to jump on a train and rush to see him,
mutual friends posted pictures of him on Facebook.
Looking amazing, of course.
Surrounded by girls, of course.

When it hits, it hits hard. Duh.
Shoulda figured that would happen.

It's been 4 months and 1 day...

But it feels like yesterday.

Give it all to God, give it all to God, give it all to God....
God, please take it all away.
I'm so tired.