Saturday, February 20, 2010

Am I the Only One?


I feel alone. And dissconnected.


Am I the only one who has such a hard time explaining what is really going on in my life through a computer screen?
I may be old fashioned, but I just feel so dissconnected from him, even when we're talking via Skype on webcam.


He asks me how I am...I reply good, then I ask him how he is.
He answers and we end up talking about his day...
But in fact, I lied when I said I was "good."
I'm not ok, but I feel like he doen't really want to know about that part.
So I answer "good" and move on before he can question me.
Inside though, I want him to ask again. I need him to.

 
Now, if we were in person, all he'd need to do is hold my hand or put his arm around me. He could ask me any question in the world and I'd tell him the most detailed answer. Because we would be together. In person. For real.

This online stuff.... I guess I just feel like someone's out there. Watching or listening. I don't know.
I just don't trust technology (even though this blog is on the web...).
Or maybe, it's that I don't feel safe around it.
It's just too impersonal.
I'm not reallllly talking with him....I'm talking to a screen full of lights =(

 
PLUS:
It's hard to convince my brain that he cares about me while he's so far away. If we were together in person, I'd know. All he'd have to do is hug me.
But through this distance, I feel seperated and alone.



My heart knows he cares...but my brain needs him to ask over and over agian..."how are you?"..."how are you really?"...."seriously, what's going on inside? that no one sees??"


I NEED him to ask those kinds of quetions.
It's like the repitition convinces my brain that he does care and really does want to know.
I need to convince my brain that he's not just asking to be polite.

 
He gets mad at me because he asks how I am and I reply, but he wants an honest answer the first time.
He says I'm not being honest.
I get mad because I can't tell him the first time, I don' feel comfortable yet.
I need to be convinced.

 
It's an ongoing, super annoying cycle....

Do I have a problem?
I don't know what to do.


1 comment:

angeli3_dance said...

thank you for that :) its true. im never ok but like you said there are good days and there are bad days but even if i have a good day i still know deep down inside of me that im not ok because im not there next to him. when will i be oK? the answer is when we are together cuz then all my worries and little doubts go away <3