Life. As I know it.

9.29.10 was one month ago.

At 1:27 am.

He seems to intrigue me more each day,

as we learn new things about each other

It's like a mini adventure.

Although we're currently limited with time and money,

we're unlimited with dreams, ambitions and encouragement.

This is life. As I currently know it.

I think I will change the title of this blog.

It started with, How I Deal With Distance.

Then it was, How I Deal With Heart Break.

Seeing as now I have no idea who actually reads this blog,

I may simply call it,

How I Deal.

This is now, how I deal with life, as I currently know it.



Healing Heart

9/29/10

At 1:27 AM

:)

My heart is no longer broken,

it began healing about a month ago.

As soon as I let go,

it happened;

 he walked in.

He walked into the room,
and into my life.

The very 1st day of university,

The very 1st class,

The very 1st person I spoke with...

That was August 25, 2010.

Today is September 29, 2010.

And this is crazy.

We are together,

and I couldn't be happier.

This is the end of the heartbreak blog.

Dreams do come true.
Just have the faith to trust God,
and let go.

"Like lightening running through my veins"

Mmmhmmm.

It's true.

He's captured my heart.

And I don't know what to do.

-

It's so soon.
It's so fast.
It's so strong.
It's so real.
It's so unlike anything I've ever felt.
...
It's so crazy.

---

"Please forgive me, If I act a little strange

For I know not what I do.

Feels like lightening running through my veins

Every time I look at you, Every time I look at you.

Help me out here

All my words are falling short

And there's so much I want to say

Want to tell you just how good it feels

When you look at me that way, When you look at me that way...

...Please forgive me if I act a little strange."

ok.

Perfect lyrics.

Happiness

Did I really just meet someone who makes me feel this way?

"You can't know, oh no

you can't know

how much I think about you, no

It's making my head spin

Looking at you

and you're looking at me

and we both know what we want

hmmm, so close to giving in.

Feels so nice

Oh yeah, you feel so nice

wish I could spend the night

but I can't pay the price

oh no, no

But I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around

And I can feel your high

rocking me inside

it's too much to hide.

I know, oh yes

I know that we can't be together

but, I just like to dream

It's so strange

the way our paths have crossed

how we were brought together

Hmmm, it's written in the stars it seems

Feels so nice

oh yeah, you feel so nice

I'd love to spend the night

but I can't pay the price

oh no, no...

Back to earth

where did you take me to

I know there's no such thing

as painless love

well I'll catch us up

and we can never win

but ohhh

I feel so alive

ohhh

just wanna hold you so tight.

And I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around

And I can feel your high

touching me inside

and it's too much to hide

And I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around."

The Wind Blows

Today marks 5 months.

Ironically it's my father's birthday.

Can't lie and say I don't think about him occasionally,

because I do.

But overall... I think I'm ok.

I'm lonely, but it's good.

I think.

I need to breathe again.

-

"I got to breathe,

you can't take that from me,

I can finally say we're through, 

I'll leave when the wind blows..."

Only in Greece

 After 4  months, 

I gave in to my inner, urging desire and sent him a message. 

Do I regret it?

I'm still not sure. 

*sigh*

 I  may have just shot myself in the foot,
but isn't it better to say what's on your mind rather than holding it in?
Hm.
Wish I knew.

Always said I wanted to go to Greece.
Always said if I vanished, I'd be in Greece.
Come find me in Greece.
 I also always asked him if we could run away to Greece.
His reply was always the same, but I still want to escape.
To Greece.
______________________________________________________________


"When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go,
to my love
....
My love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies
But baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you..."

alone in Europe

Wow, were these past weeks a struggle.

I was in Germany with my family working at an English camp.

I didn't even decide to join them until 2 weeks before the camp.

Mainly because of the stupid, selfish reason that wasn't ready to go back.

They left before me, leaving me to travel by myself.

I'm a big girl and have been traveling alone for years.

But this year, I did not want to travel alone.

And return home alone.

To much down time to think...

and too many memories to remember.

I got back last night.

From Europe.

I was 7 hours away from him.

and didn't see him...

wow.

So close. So, so close.

The camp was amazing, don't get me wrong.

But satan tried his hardest to distract me the painful way.

I hate to say that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off...

Everything the entire week reminded me of him.

Everything.

It was so hard.

This was the first time in years that I explored new, foreign cities without him.

The first time I wasn't in Europe holding some one's hand.

.His hand.

And of course, while I was fighting my inner desire to jump on a train and rush to see him,

mutual friends posted pictures of him on Facebook.

Looking amazing, of course.

Surrounded by girls, of course.

When it hits, it hits hard. Duh.

Shoulda figured that would happen.

_______________

It's been 4 months and 1 day...

But it feels like yesterday.

Give it all to God, give it all to God, give it all to God....

God, please take it all away.

I'm so tired.

3 months to this day.

I can honesty say I was doing very well, 

until July 4th came. 

That holiday holds more pain for me than any other holiday. 

The past few weeks I've found myself listening to many back-atcha/super single songs. 

Although he never lied, cheated or physically hurt me,
I guess I like to think these songs relate to my "hurting, aching heart."
Or maybe, I'm just a pansy.

"Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem. 

"Impossible" by Shantell

"Photographs" by Rihanna

"Ridin Solo" by Jason Derulo

"Bulletproof" by La Roux
 __

But today (5 min ago), which marks 3 months, 

all I can think of is what do I say now. 

We needed to say what we needed to say. 

The truth hurts. 

Right?

If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't be the right thing. Right?

I'm challenging myself to say what needs to be said. 

While practicing self control. 

Together, both are quite difficult.

But I need to say...what I need to say. 

I just don't know if I have enough guts to say it to him.

the great escape?

 

"I had a dream I could fly...

still wonder if I can fly, or if it was just a dream. 

Think I was searching for something, 

not knowing what I had to face. 

Until I found out the reason, 

that's when I made my great escape." 

ponder

This morning I was going to post the song "Riding Solo" by Jason Derulo.
It's about going solo after ending a relationship.
Moving on past the pain, and enjoying a new life.

But today I worked at a wedding as an assistant photographer,
and I just couldn't help but think of him,
and our plan of marriage
(that would have been in a few years).

Today reminded me that I'm back at zero,
back at the beginning,
and when the bride's maids tried hooking me up with the bride's younger brother
and the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet...
It reminded me of where I am.

Right now I'm not in a negative mood or a rejoicing mood.
Just a pondering, reflective mood.
And this song is appropriate for that.

 Hmmm...  i wish i knew my own thoughts.

Tired

Why.The.Hell.Do.I.Miss.Him.So.Much.

I can't pull myself together tonight. 

I feel so alone. 

But why?!

I'm tired of this. 

A good day here, a bad night there. 

NO.

I wanna get off the see-saw, climb back up the ladder and finally slide down the slide into a refreshing pool.

_____________________________

They say for every year you dated, that's how many months it'll take to get over the relationship. 

I have a feeling it's going to take much more than four months to get over him. 

I still love him.

The Switch

Last night I made the switch. 

Although it's only been one month and three weeks since we broke up, 

I still  hadn't changed my facebook status. 

We agreed that we wouldn't made our breakup a big deal, 

therefore keeping it low key so people wouldn't know. 

But I'm tired of people asking how he's doing, 

when I'm going  to see him next, 

ect.

I hate seeing the look on their face when I say, 

"I don't really know. 

We broke up almost 2 months ago, 

so I really don't know what he's doing at all now."

I know his friends saw my changed relationship status. 

Got a few "shocked" comments. 

I hope he's not hurt from me making it public now. 

It was just hurting me keeping it a secret.

 ___________________________________________________________

 "Breathe in breathe out, 

move on and break out...

We push and pull, 

and I fall down sometimes...

Cause there is a light, in your eyes.

Hold on and hold tight,  

and if I'm out of your sight, 

everything keeps moving on, movin' on. 

Hold on, hold tight,

Make it through another night,  

Cause everyday, there comes a song with the dawn.

 ..." 

Fearless

"Love, love is a verb,

Love is a doing word,

Fearless on my breathe.

Gentle impulsion, 

Shakes me, makes me lighter, 

Fearless on my breathe. 

Teardrop on the fire, 

Fearless on my breathe...

Stumbling a little,

Stumbling a little"

Fearless on my breathe.

cheat

Sometimes I cheat.

And look at his facebook page. 

Although we aren't facebook friends anymore, I can still see most of his site because his isn't set on private like mine is. 

Today I saw his latest album. 

He's growing out his hair. 

[which is something I alway wished he would do]

He's taking much more pictures. 

[which is something I always asked him to do]

He's taking his pictures using the same style as I do.

[which is something that interests me]

I, on the other hand, 

Am not changing anything about my appearance.

Am taking a signifigant less amount of pictures. 

Am trying to switch up my photography style.

i don't know what's going through his head. 

i wish i knew what was going through my own. 

Maybe someday I'll understand.

And know the truth. 

Do I believe him? Or everyone else?

I chose to believe my heart; him.

Someday, I will understand. 

"I am here to stay"

"My tired heart is beating slow...

we do not know...

it is not said I always know...

You can't catch me,

though you run, you run...

the fire's here to stay...

it is not said I always know...

The wonder of it all,

I am here to stay, I am here to stay,

Stay."

mixed emotions

How I Deal With Heartbreak?

Can I switch it up a little?
the distance is over... but the heart is now broken.
I've dealt with distance, but how do i deal with heartbreak?

Does he think of me?

as much as i think of him....

How could he move on so quickly?
i sure haven't...

  Does he miss me?
       at all...

 

Why is it so much harder than i thought it would be?

my heart just isn't this strong...

Why can't I cry?

when i want to...

"Leave me paralyzed, love...

leave me hypnotized, love..."

leave me.

...

i wish i knew what to say, but i don't.

we broke up. and i don't really know how i should act.

or what i should think.

or what i should do.

i find myself asking

but then i remember that God has a reason for everything.

all i have to do is trust Him, and His plans will far succeed mine.

when i feel alone. when i feel lost.

i go running to Him. not him anymore, but Him.

gabe was my safety, but God needs to be.

and He's never going to let me go.

God is love.

FACT

True love really does conquer all :)

Believe, trust and have faith.

Communicate your feelings.

Listen.

Open up; you'll never know unless you try.

What do you have to lose?

If it's true love, it'll find a way.