Irony

I feel like I say this a lot, 

but I truly never saw myself being where I am. 

Not just today, but at this very moment. 

This exact weekend:

Two years ago - breaking up from a very long relationship (in Indiana)

One year ago - falling madly in love in a new relationship (in California)

This year - with the family of the guy I broke up with 2 years ago (in Slovakia)

Needless to say, my mind is full of memories.

G and I broke up two years ago after dating for 4 1/2 years. 

It was not an easy break up, and it took some time, but somehow we've gone back to being friends.

Actually, pretty good friends. 

Living alone in Europe is not easy. 

And last time I lived in Europe, it was with his family. 

He's been the one I call on a rough day, he knows me. 

And my past. And my Euro lifestyle. 

And, he's just a phone call away. 

I can't do that to any of my other close friends, as they are on different continents. 

He also speaks the language of where I'm living, which has been a huge help for different situations.

He's such a good friend. 

He knew I was having a rough time and invited me to stay with his family for the weekend.

I'm sitting on my bed, in the room I lived in four years ago. 

Even though there is nothing romantic between us at all, 

I feel so at home here. I know this family. I know this routine. 

I lived here. 

It's been strange at moments because there are memories literally everywhere. 

I've never been in this house without being in a relationship with him.

We can talk, though. And have. 

And the fact that he wanted to see the girl he's interested in this weekend, but didn't because I came, 

which made her pretty upset, makes me respect him even more.

A lot of people have questioned we're together again, since pictures of us have been posted on Facebook (not by us). He's been receiving messages of congratulations. 

But the truth is, we really are not together, and don't act like it, either. 

I've never seen a broken up couple able to do this before. 

I told him the other night that I was really glad we were still friends. 

And he said, "Well why wouldn't we be?"

That made me smile.
Regardless of our rough past, we have seriously put it in the past.

After I leave tomorrow, I may never see him again. 

Seriously. 

Or maybe I will, my life has been playing fun games on me lately; 

bringing people back into my life who I thought I had lost.

Anyway. 

Being in California with J at this exact time last year also brings memories. 

I fell so hard, in love. 

Completely shocked myself.

We broke up two months later. 

Various reasons. 

Maybe part of it was my moving to Europe. 

Maybe part of it was immaturity. 

But regardless, we've never stopped talking. 

I've dropped all feelings for him by now... as of last month. 

It took me 10 months. 

But of course I still think of him at times. 

Especially this weekend.
YET, I'm moving to California in a few months...
Hopefully we can be friends like G and I are now.
That may be too good to be true, though.
I don't know exactly what his thoughts are,
whereas G and I have truly moved on.
We even talk about recent hook ups.
He says I need to stop being so afraid and to take a risk.
To find a guy to have fun with, since I'm not looking for a relationship.
I say he needs to give it a chance with this new girl,
even though he's not looking for a relationship either.
He's moving to four countries over the next two years.
I'm switching continents again, and starting new again, but this time on the West coast.

So strange. 

When saying goodbye after our breakup over Skype,

I could not have imagined that two years later I would be staying with him for the weekend.

Likewise, last year, having the time of my life with J, 

I could not have imagined a year later we would be separated, yet still talking

and that I would also be such good friends with G.

------

I'm so blessed for the people that have been a part of my life.

And grateful that no bridges have been burned. 

I'm still single. And lonely. 

But it' okay. 

I'm learning how to deal. 

Forever learning.

Truth is.

 It's been 10 months. 

Truth is, that's the longest I've ever been single. 

Until 3 weeks ago, 

truth is, I didn't know how to deal. 

It's funny how we can say something, 

but never actually believe it. 

Truth is, 

you really do have to learn how to be happy on your own

before truly being happy in a relationship. 

I'm twenty-three years old and I'm finally learning how to accept myself. 

Truth is, 

sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself. 

But the truth is, 

how can you allow someone to love you, 

if you don't love yourself?

Learn to love yourself. 

Learn to be happy on your own. 

Learn to accept yourself. 

Truth is, you're beautiful. 

You are loved. 

And you are worth it. 

 

What.

I'm in such a strange place. 

In love. 

For real?

Yet alone.

Why. 

I'm currently, and constantly, learning faith. 

Faith to fully and completely trust God.  

And I do. 

Can I miss him and still have faith?

I'm honestly afraid. 

He says he loves me. 

Yet... we're not "together." 

And I've heard those three words before...

"I love you."

I've heard them, and felt their effect. 

Those words feel great - until the person drops you like a fly. 

Until, they forget about you, 

move on, 

or simply don't care anymore.

That's when those three words echo in your heart,

and burn straight up flesh wounds

that paralyze your ability to believe and trust.

And have faith. 

*sigh*

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid he'll forget me. 

I'm afraid he won't care. 

I'm afraid he'll move on. 

Why do I care?

Well.. because I love him, too. 

We have done this entire thing backwards; 

-Meet for the first time

-Relationship

-Breakup

-Become friends

-Fall in love

Does that mean something?

Does it not?

 Why are my thoughts constantly on him...

That's unhealthy...

Right?

I trust God. I do. 

I know He has great things planned. 

I also know it's all in HIS time.

Not mine. 

I must be patient. My time is not yet here. 

So what do I do about this boy?

No, this man?

Is it wrong to feel so strongly about someone 

over 3,000 miles away who I can only hope and pray I'll see again?

With no commitment to each other, there's no obligation. 

Well, other than love. 

That's a strong obligation, right?

I'd like to say I'm confused, 

but I'm not. 

I'd like to say I'm stressed. 

but I'm not. 

I'd like to say...

Goodnight. To you. 

Please text me back. 

Beyond This Moment... will be too late

Love does not envy...

Love does not boast..

Love keeps no record of wrong doing...

Love is forgiving.

Loves is patient.

Love is kind.

----------------------------------------

I love you. 

And I pray that never goes away.

Love will find a way. 

There is no time limit, no deadline.

It's always there, waiting to surprise us. 

You... you...

were a surprise. 

Such a lovely surprise,

at such a perfect time. 

I never believed in love at first sight...

I never thought someone could fit...

Goes to show, never say never. 

Because as soon as you do, 

God shakes His snow globe of a world 

and turns your plans upside down. 

Live life for today,

tomorrow will never come.

And love today, 

because tomorrow will be too late.

i was Born

I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear


Pour me a glass of wine
Talk deep into the night
Who knows what we'll find
Intuition, deja vu

The Holy Ghost haunting you
Whatever you got
I don't mind


Put your elbows on the table
I'll listen long as I am able
There's nowhere I'd rather be


Secret fears, the supernatural
Thank God for this new laughter
Thank God the joke's on me


We've seen the landfill rainbow
We've seen the junkyard of love
Baby it's no place for you and me


I was born to laugh
I learned to laugh through my tears
I was born to love
I'm gonna learn to love without fear

only YourLove, is strong.

He is all i need.

His love is all i need..





Your love is, Your love is, Your love is Strong."



"Heavenly Father,

You always amaze me.."

Thanks.



Butterfly Fly Away

I have those nights occasionally.

The nights of overwhelment.

Overwhelming school.

Overwhelming life.

Overwhelming with nonsense worry.

Wish I were a butterfly and could fly away.

Not fly away to get away,

but fly away to do what I'm meant to do.

I'm thankful for my mum...

who reminds that I'm still a catapiller.

My fly away day will come,

but not today.

"Wish you may, and wish you might...







Don't you worry, hang on tight...

 



 





I just have to wait for my day.

To fly away.

the worst part.

I guess the worst part is,

I knew it was coming.

I heard this song this past weekend,

and repeated it for hours.

Digesting the lyrics.

Thinking of the story behind them.

I knew this past weekend.

That image was in my head.

I hate those images.

Because I can't change the future.

Especially when I've already glimpsed it.

Now that doesn't mean it can't change,

because it can.

But sometimes I hate being right.

I wish one dream was wrong.

I miss you.

Not the stuff, not the extras.

Just you.

The talks, the walks.

Wish I could tell you.

I'm in a confusing place.

A confusing state of mind.

Do I wait?

Do I let go?

I know I DO trust God.

That's the only thing I can do.

I'm looking to the future,

and it's a beautiful thing.

Because God's in it :).

________________________________________________

"I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered

For just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go

Away

Away?

...

All that I know is that I

don't know how to be something you miss

...

You can plan for a change in weather and town

But I never planned on you changing your mind"

"Like lightening running through my veins"

Mmmhmmm.

It's true.

He's captured my heart.

And I don't know what to do.

-

It's so soon.
It's so fast.
It's so strong.
It's so real.
It's so unlike anything I've ever felt.
...
It's so crazy.

---

"Please forgive me, If I act a little strange

For I know not what I do.

Feels like lightening running through my veins

Every time I look at you, Every time I look at you.

Help me out here

All my words are falling short

And there's so much I want to say

Want to tell you just how good it feels

When you look at me that way, When you look at me that way...

...Please forgive me if I act a little strange."

ok.

Perfect lyrics.

Happiness

Did I really just meet someone who makes me feel this way?

"You can't know, oh no

you can't know

how much I think about you, no

It's making my head spin

Looking at you

and you're looking at me

and we both know what we want

hmmm, so close to giving in.

Feels so nice

Oh yeah, you feel so nice

wish I could spend the night

but I can't pay the price

oh no, no

But I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around

And I can feel your high

rocking me inside

it's too much to hide.

I know, oh yes

I know that we can't be together

but, I just like to dream

It's so strange

the way our paths have crossed

how we were brought together

Hmmm, it's written in the stars it seems

Feels so nice

oh yeah, you feel so nice

I'd love to spend the night

but I can't pay the price

oh no, no...

Back to earth

where did you take me to

I know there's no such thing

as painless love

well I'll catch us up

and we can never win

but ohhh

I feel so alive

ohhh

just wanna hold you so tight.

And I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around

And I can feel your high

touching me inside

and it's too much to hide

And I'm flying so high

high off the ground

when you're around."

The Wind Blows

Today marks 5 months.

Ironically it's my father's birthday.

Can't lie and say I don't think about him occasionally,

because I do.

But overall... I think I'm ok.

I'm lonely, but it's good.

I think.

I need to breathe again.

-

"I got to breathe,

you can't take that from me,

I can finally say we're through, 

I'll leave when the wind blows..."

Only in Greece

 After 4  months, 

I gave in to my inner, urging desire and sent him a message. 

Do I regret it?

I'm still not sure. 

*sigh*

 I  may have just shot myself in the foot,
but isn't it better to say what's on your mind rather than holding it in?
Hm.
Wish I knew.

Always said I wanted to go to Greece.
Always said if I vanished, I'd be in Greece.
Come find me in Greece.
 I also always asked him if we could run away to Greece.
His reply was always the same, but I still want to escape.
To Greece.
______________________________________________________________


"When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go,
to my love
....
My love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies
But baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you..."

alone in Europe

Wow, were these past weeks a struggle.

I was in Germany with my family working at an English camp.

I didn't even decide to join them until 2 weeks before the camp.

Mainly because of the stupid, selfish reason that wasn't ready to go back.

They left before me, leaving me to travel by myself.

I'm a big girl and have been traveling alone for years.

But this year, I did not want to travel alone.

And return home alone.

To much down time to think...

and too many memories to remember.

I got back last night.

From Europe.

I was 7 hours away from him.

and didn't see him...

wow.

So close. So, so close.

The camp was amazing, don't get me wrong.

But satan tried his hardest to distract me the painful way.

I hate to say that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off...

Everything the entire week reminded me of him.

Everything.

It was so hard.

This was the first time in years that I explored new, foreign cities without him.

The first time I wasn't in Europe holding some one's hand.

.His hand.

And of course, while I was fighting my inner desire to jump on a train and rush to see him,

mutual friends posted pictures of him on Facebook.

Looking amazing, of course.

Surrounded by girls, of course.

When it hits, it hits hard. Duh.

Shoulda figured that would happen.

_______________

It's been 4 months and 1 day...

But it feels like yesterday.

Give it all to God, give it all to God, give it all to God....

God, please take it all away.

I'm so tired.

3 months to this day.

I can honesty say I was doing very well, 

until July 4th came. 

That holiday holds more pain for me than any other holiday. 

The past few weeks I've found myself listening to many back-atcha/super single songs. 

Although he never lied, cheated or physically hurt me,
I guess I like to think these songs relate to my "hurting, aching heart."
Or maybe, I'm just a pansy.

"Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem. 

"Impossible" by Shantell

"Photographs" by Rihanna

"Ridin Solo" by Jason Derulo

"Bulletproof" by La Roux
 __

But today (5 min ago), which marks 3 months, 

all I can think of is what do I say now. 

We needed to say what we needed to say. 

The truth hurts. 

Right?

If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't be the right thing. Right?

I'm challenging myself to say what needs to be said. 

While practicing self control. 

Together, both are quite difficult.

But I need to say...what I need to say. 

I just don't know if I have enough guts to say it to him.

ponder

This morning I was going to post the song "Riding Solo" by Jason Derulo.
It's about going solo after ending a relationship.
Moving on past the pain, and enjoying a new life.

But today I worked at a wedding as an assistant photographer,
and I just couldn't help but think of him,
and our plan of marriage
(that would have been in a few years).

Today reminded me that I'm back at zero,
back at the beginning,
and when the bride's maids tried hooking me up with the bride's younger brother
and the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet...
It reminded me of where I am.

Right now I'm not in a negative mood or a rejoicing mood.
Just a pondering, reflective mood.
And this song is appropriate for that.

 Hmmm...  i wish i knew my own thoughts.

The Switch

Last night I made the switch. 

Although it's only been one month and three weeks since we broke up, 

I still  hadn't changed my facebook status. 

We agreed that we wouldn't made our breakup a big deal, 

therefore keeping it low key so people wouldn't know. 

But I'm tired of people asking how he's doing, 

when I'm going  to see him next, 

ect.

I hate seeing the look on their face when I say, 

"I don't really know. 

We broke up almost 2 months ago, 

so I really don't know what he's doing at all now."

I know his friends saw my changed relationship status. 

Got a few "shocked" comments. 

I hope he's not hurt from me making it public now. 

It was just hurting me keeping it a secret.

 ___________________________________________________________

 "Breathe in breathe out, 

move on and break out...

We push and pull, 

and I fall down sometimes...

Cause there is a light, in your eyes.

Hold on and hold tight,  

and if I'm out of your sight, 

everything keeps moving on, movin' on. 

Hold on, hold tight,

Make it through another night,  

Cause everyday, there comes a song with the dawn.

 ..." 

cheat

Sometimes I cheat.

And look at his facebook page. 

Although we aren't facebook friends anymore, I can still see most of his site because his isn't set on private like mine is. 

Today I saw his latest album. 

He's growing out his hair. 

[which is something I alway wished he would do]

He's taking much more pictures. 

[which is something I always asked him to do]

He's taking his pictures using the same style as I do.

[which is something that interests me]

I, on the other hand, 

Am not changing anything about my appearance.

Am taking a signifigant less amount of pictures. 

Am trying to switch up my photography style.

i don't know what's going through his head. 

i wish i knew what was going through my own. 

Maybe someday I'll understand.

And know the truth. 

Do I believe him? Or everyone else?

I chose to believe my heart; him.

Someday, I will understand. 

mixed emotions

...

i wish i knew what to say, but i don't.

we broke up. and i don't really know how i should act.

or what i should think.

or what i should do.

i find myself asking

but then i remember that God has a reason for everything.

all i have to do is trust Him, and His plans will far succeed mine.

when i feel alone. when i feel lost.

i go running to Him. not him anymore, but Him.

gabe was my safety, but God needs to be.

and He's never going to let me go.

God is love.