Irony

I feel like I say this a lot, 

but I truly never saw myself being where I am. 

Not just today, but at this very moment. 

This exact weekend:

Two years ago - breaking up from a very long relationship (in Indiana)

One year ago - falling madly in love in a new relationship (in California)

This year - with the family of the guy I broke up with 2 years ago (in Slovakia)

Needless to say, my mind is full of memories.

G and I broke up two years ago after dating for 4 1/2 years. 

It was not an easy break up, and it took some time, but somehow we've gone back to being friends.

Actually, pretty good friends. 

Living alone in Europe is not easy. 

And last time I lived in Europe, it was with his family. 

He's been the one I call on a rough day, he knows me. 

And my past. And my Euro lifestyle. 

And, he's just a phone call away. 

I can't do that to any of my other close friends, as they are on different continents. 

He also speaks the language of where I'm living, which has been a huge help for different situations.

He's such a good friend. 

He knew I was having a rough time and invited me to stay with his family for the weekend.

I'm sitting on my bed, in the room I lived in four years ago. 

Even though there is nothing romantic between us at all, 

I feel so at home here. I know this family. I know this routine. 

I lived here. 

It's been strange at moments because there are memories literally everywhere. 

I've never been in this house without being in a relationship with him.

We can talk, though. And have. 

And the fact that he wanted to see the girl he's interested in this weekend, but didn't because I came, 

which made her pretty upset, makes me respect him even more.

A lot of people have questioned we're together again, since pictures of us have been posted on Facebook (not by us). He's been receiving messages of congratulations. 

But the truth is, we really are not together, and don't act like it, either. 

I've never seen a broken up couple able to do this before. 

I told him the other night that I was really glad we were still friends. 

And he said, "Well why wouldn't we be?"

That made me smile.
Regardless of our rough past, we have seriously put it in the past.

After I leave tomorrow, I may never see him again. 

Seriously. 

Or maybe I will, my life has been playing fun games on me lately; 

bringing people back into my life who I thought I had lost.

Anyway. 

Being in California with J at this exact time last year also brings memories. 

I fell so hard, in love. 

Completely shocked myself.

We broke up two months later. 

Various reasons. 

Maybe part of it was my moving to Europe. 

Maybe part of it was immaturity. 

But regardless, we've never stopped talking. 

I've dropped all feelings for him by now... as of last month. 

It took me 10 months. 

But of course I still think of him at times. 

Especially this weekend.
YET, I'm moving to California in a few months...
Hopefully we can be friends like G and I are now.
That may be too good to be true, though.
I don't know exactly what his thoughts are,
whereas G and I have truly moved on.
We even talk about recent hook ups.
He says I need to stop being so afraid and to take a risk.
To find a guy to have fun with, since I'm not looking for a relationship.
I say he needs to give it a chance with this new girl,
even though he's not looking for a relationship either.
He's moving to four countries over the next two years.
I'm switching continents again, and starting new again, but this time on the West coast.

So strange. 

When saying goodbye after our breakup over Skype,

I could not have imagined that two years later I would be staying with him for the weekend.

Likewise, last year, having the time of my life with J, 

I could not have imagined a year later we would be separated, yet still talking

and that I would also be such good friends with G.

------

I'm so blessed for the people that have been a part of my life.

And grateful that no bridges have been burned. 

I'm still single. And lonely. 

But it' okay. 

I'm learning how to deal. 

Forever learning.

Truth is.

 It's been 10 months. 

Truth is, that's the longest I've ever been single. 

Until 3 weeks ago, 

truth is, I didn't know how to deal. 

It's funny how we can say something, 

but never actually believe it. 

Truth is, 

you really do have to learn how to be happy on your own

before truly being happy in a relationship. 

I'm twenty-three years old and I'm finally learning how to accept myself. 

Truth is, 

sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself. 

But the truth is, 

how can you allow someone to love you, 

if you don't love yourself?

Learn to love yourself. 

Learn to be happy on your own. 

Learn to accept yourself. 

Truth is, you're beautiful. 

You are loved. 

And you are worth it. 

 

FACT

True love really does conquer all :)

Believe, trust and have faith.

Communicate your feelings.

Listen.

Open up; you'll never know unless you try.

What do you have to lose?

If it's true love, it'll find a way.

Reminded

I'm reminded...

When people around me are going through break-ups, heart-aches, and painful truths, I'm reminded that although the distance may break us up, my heart may ache for him to be close, and the truth of him being far away may be painful - at least we're together.

Going strong. In it for the long run. Each other's best friends.   

I know I can rely on him. I know I can trust him.

And I know that when I see him next, no time will be wasted.

Distance may be painful, but it's better than being full of pain from the one you love.

I am loved :)

And that makes all the difference.

The One Thing I've Learned...

The one thing I've learned through distance,

is that in order for the relationship to work,

both partners have to trust. 

Have to listen. 

And have to speak.  

Trust is the hardest of these three for me.

There's always that little, annoying voice wayyy back in my head that likes to think of every possible bad situation.

My heart knows the truth, but my head needs to be reminded.

Once you've been hurt, it's to not let that effect future, similar situations.

But I believe the situation is different now. I know it is.

And my heart knows it is. My head is still so skeptical.

___

With any relationship, you must listen.

Especially in a distance relationship.

This is so vital because you can't see the other person, so in order to understand what they're going through, you must listen to them trying to explain.  Don't push. That'll scare them away.

Be gentle, understanding, patient.

Listen closely, remember what they said, ask them questions about it.

Don't just rush into your story, show them you care. Listen to them first.

___

Believe it or not, I have almost as much trouble speaking as I do trusting.

As I've mentiond before, maybe it's the lack of "connection" because it's through a computer screen.

Maybe I'm afraid someone, other than him, is listening to me open up

Or maybe it's because I'm letting my past effect my future.

And that is WRONG.

The past is past, I need to move on. I need to fully trust again. I need to speak, telling him everything that is really is going on inside of me.

_________________________________________

He can't listen when I don't speak, resulting in a lack of trust with both of us.

This is what I've learned, but this is what I'm still working on.

The battle isn't over yet.

Am I the Only One?

I feel alone. And dissconnected.

Am I the only one who has such a hard time explaining what is really going on in my life through a computer screen?
I may be old fashioned, but I just feel so dissconnected from him, even when we're talking via Skype on webcam.

He asks me how I am...I reply good, then I ask him how he is.

He answers and we end up talking about his day...

But in fact, I lied when I said I was "good."

I'm not ok, but I feel like he doen't really want to know about that part.

So I answer "good" and move on before he can question me.

Inside though, I want him to ask again. I need him to.

 

Now, if we were in person, all he'd need to do is hold my hand or put his arm around me. He could ask me any question in the world and I'd tell him the most detailed answer. Because we would be together. In person. For real.

This online stuff.... I guess I just feel like someone's out there. Watching or listening. I don't know.

I just don't trust technology (even though this blog is on the web...).

Or maybe, it's that I don't feel safe around it.

It's just too impersonal.

I'm not reallllly talking with him....I'm talking to a screen full of lights =(

 

PLUS:

It's hard to convince my brain that he cares about me while he's so far away. If we were together in person, I'd know. All he'd have to do is hug me.

But through this distance, I feel seperated and alone.

My heart knows he cares...but my brain needs him to ask over and over agian..."how are you?"..."how are you really?"...."seriously, what's going on inside? that no one sees??"

I NEED him to ask those kinds of quetions.
It's like the repitition convinces my brain that he does care and really does want to know.
I need to convince my brain that he's not just asking to be polite.

 

He gets mad at me because he asks how I am and I reply, but he wants an honest answer the first time.

He says I'm not being honest.

I get mad because I can't tell him the first time, I don' feel comfortable yet.

I need to be convinced.

 

It's an ongoing, super annoying cycle....

Do I have a problem?

I don't know what to do.

Imagine You

I can't be with you right now,

so I imagine what it would be like if you were here.

What we'd do, where we'd go...

Then I count down the days again, until I'll see you next.

It helps.

Strength

 "Even though we can't be together (in the same place), I don't want to be with anyone else."

When you come to that realization, then you know you can do it.

Love isn't convenient. It's quite the opposite.

But true love that beats all odds....know that's something.

I. Love. You.

Tell him/her you love them every single day.

In every way you can think of.

Be creative.

You can never say "I love you" enough.

It's so nice to be reminded.

Especially through distance.

Three words hold the power:

I. Love. You.

The Letter

One of my New Year's resolutions this year was to write at least one letter a week to my boyfriend in Europe. 

It's now February, and I've already sent seven letters and one package :)

Keeps me mentally with him despite the distance.