alone in Europe

Wow, were these past weeks a struggle.

I was in Germany with my family working at an English camp.

I didn't even decide to join them until 2 weeks before the camp.

Mainly because of the stupid, selfish reason that wasn't ready to go back.

They left before me, leaving me to travel by myself.

I'm a big girl and have been traveling alone for years.

But this year, I did not want to travel alone.

And return home alone.

To much down time to think...

and too many memories to remember.

I got back last night.

From Europe.

I was 7 hours away from him.

and didn't see him...

wow.

So close. So, so close.

The camp was amazing, don't get me wrong.

But satan tried his hardest to distract me the painful way.

I hate to say that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off...

Everything the entire week reminded me of him.

Everything.

It was so hard.

This was the first time in years that I explored new, foreign cities without him.

The first time I wasn't in Europe holding some one's hand.

.His hand.

And of course, while I was fighting my inner desire to jump on a train and rush to see him,

mutual friends posted pictures of him on Facebook.

Looking amazing, of course.

Surrounded by girls, of course.

When it hits, it hits hard. Duh.

Shoulda figured that would happen.

_______________

It's been 4 months and 1 day...

But it feels like yesterday.

Give it all to God, give it all to God, give it all to God....

God, please take it all away.

I'm so tired.

Confused

I understand that I shouldn't worry about the future but rather focus on today.

But in relationships, shouldn't it be based more on the future and not the feelings of today?

I'm so confused right now. In the middle of my distance relationship.

I could really use some encouraging.

But I don't know who to go to.

Am I the Only One?

I feel alone. And dissconnected.

Am I the only one who has such a hard time explaining what is really going on in my life through a computer screen?
I may be old fashioned, but I just feel so dissconnected from him, even when we're talking via Skype on webcam.

He asks me how I am...I reply good, then I ask him how he is.

He answers and we end up talking about his day...

But in fact, I lied when I said I was "good."

I'm not ok, but I feel like he doen't really want to know about that part.

So I answer "good" and move on before he can question me.

Inside though, I want him to ask again. I need him to.

 

Now, if we were in person, all he'd need to do is hold my hand or put his arm around me. He could ask me any question in the world and I'd tell him the most detailed answer. Because we would be together. In person. For real.

This online stuff.... I guess I just feel like someone's out there. Watching or listening. I don't know.

I just don't trust technology (even though this blog is on the web...).

Or maybe, it's that I don't feel safe around it.

It's just too impersonal.

I'm not reallllly talking with him....I'm talking to a screen full of lights =(

 

PLUS:

It's hard to convince my brain that he cares about me while he's so far away. If we were together in person, I'd know. All he'd have to do is hug me.

But through this distance, I feel seperated and alone.

My heart knows he cares...but my brain needs him to ask over and over agian..."how are you?"..."how are you really?"...."seriously, what's going on inside? that no one sees??"

I NEED him to ask those kinds of quetions.
It's like the repitition convinces my brain that he does care and really does want to know.
I need to convince my brain that he's not just asking to be polite.

 

He gets mad at me because he asks how I am and I reply, but he wants an honest answer the first time.

He says I'm not being honest.

I get mad because I can't tell him the first time, I don' feel comfortable yet.

I need to be convinced.

 

It's an ongoing, super annoying cycle....

Do I have a problem?

I don't know what to do.

The Start

Long distance relationships are a huge pain in the butt.

I mean, let's be honest - they are.

I've been in one for 4 years and it really gets harder every single day.

Of course, some days are better than others, but the majority of the time -

it sucks.

Of course there are both positives and negatives to distance relationships, but tonight...I'm really missing him.

So I'm a bit negative.

Feel free to vent, give advice and meet other individuals dealing with the same issues.

For the longest time, I thought (and felt) that I was alone in this.

But the more I look, the more I realize just how many other couples there are...

breaking the boundary of distance and proving that love, does after all, conquer all.