Truth is.

 It's been 10 months. 

Truth is, that's the longest I've ever been single. 

Until 3 weeks ago, 

truth is, I didn't know how to deal. 

It's funny how we can say something, 

but never actually believe it. 

Truth is, 

you really do have to learn how to be happy on your own

before truly being happy in a relationship. 

I'm twenty-three years old and I'm finally learning how to accept myself. 

Truth is, 

sometimes the hardest person to love is yourself. 

But the truth is, 

how can you allow someone to love you, 

if you don't love yourself?

Learn to love yourself. 

Learn to be happy on your own. 

Learn to accept yourself. 

Truth is, you're beautiful. 

You are loved. 

And you are worth it. 

 

the worst part.

I guess the worst part is,

I knew it was coming.

I heard this song this past weekend,

and repeated it for hours.

Digesting the lyrics.

Thinking of the story behind them.

I knew this past weekend.

That image was in my head.

I hate those images.

Because I can't change the future.

Especially when I've already glimpsed it.

Now that doesn't mean it can't change,

because it can.

But sometimes I hate being right.

I wish one dream was wrong.

I miss you.

Not the stuff, not the extras.

Just you.

The talks, the walks.

Wish I could tell you.

I'm in a confusing place.

A confusing state of mind.

Do I wait?

Do I let go?

I know I DO trust God.

That's the only thing I can do.

I'm looking to the future,

and it's a beautiful thing.

Because God's in it :).

________________________________________________

"I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered

For just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go

Away

Away?

...

All that I know is that I

don't know how to be something you miss

...

You can plan for a change in weather and town

But I never planned on you changing your mind"

Falling Up ... and exiting the fall.

How do I deal with learning.

I don't know.

I wish learning wans't so painful,

but then I guess we'd never really learn.

I guess next time I shouldn't say what's on my heart.

I guess next time I shouldn't get so caught up.

I guess next time I shouldn't...

NO.

Next time I SHOULD think things through.

Next time I SHOULD listen to both, my head and heart.

Next time I SHOULD...

Should what?

There's no perfect solution.

There's no fight, no "big problem."

It's always the same,

"I don't know what I want."

"Our futures don't match up."

"I need to focus and not be distracted."

Good to know I'm:

confusing

only present

and

distracting.

Well, I know what I want.

Not a fling.

Not a convenience.

Love isn't convenient.

And it isn't easy.

But it is worth fighting for.

I'm not mad.
I'm just not a toy.

Even though I wish we could stay together and work it out,

rather than running away...

I exited the fall and now it's over.

I'm learning it's all before my heart.

______________________________________________________

"From the shallows enough

to the depths of your scars

you know you want to change

In the rafters of fate

fixed and spinning late

there is a certain fear

...

I found a way out through

everything I've known

I'm walking fearless put

my faith down and all that I own

...

 Call it what you wanna

call it all a game

call it insane

all of these voices

...

So exit the fall and now it's over

you're learning it's all before your heart

so exit the fall and now it's over

you're learning it's all before your heart"



The Wind Blows

Today marks 5 months.

Ironically it's my father's birthday.

Can't lie and say I don't think about him occasionally,

because I do.

But overall... I think I'm ok.

I'm lonely, but it's good.

I think.

I need to breathe again.

-

"I got to breathe,

you can't take that from me,

I can finally say we're through, 

I'll leave when the wind blows..."

3 months to this day.

I can honesty say I was doing very well, 

until July 4th came. 

That holiday holds more pain for me than any other holiday. 

The past few weeks I've found myself listening to many back-atcha/super single songs. 

Although he never lied, cheated or physically hurt me,
I guess I like to think these songs relate to my "hurting, aching heart."
Or maybe, I'm just a pansy.

"Love the Way You Lie" by Eminem. 

"Impossible" by Shantell

"Photographs" by Rihanna

"Ridin Solo" by Jason Derulo

"Bulletproof" by La Roux
 __

But today (5 min ago), which marks 3 months, 

all I can think of is what do I say now. 

We needed to say what we needed to say. 

The truth hurts. 

Right?

If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't be the right thing. Right?

I'm challenging myself to say what needs to be said. 

While practicing self control. 

Together, both are quite difficult.

But I need to say...what I need to say. 

I just don't know if I have enough guts to say it to him.

"I am here to stay"

"My tired heart is beating slow...

we do not know...

it is not said I always know...

You can't catch me,

though you run, you run...

the fire's here to stay...

it is not said I always know...

The wonder of it all,

I am here to stay, I am here to stay,

Stay."

...

i wish i knew what to say, but i don't.

we broke up. and i don't really know how i should act.

or what i should think.

or what i should do.

i find myself asking

but then i remember that God has a reason for everything.

all i have to do is trust Him, and His plans will far succeed mine.

when i feel alone. when i feel lost.

i go running to Him. not him anymore, but Him.

gabe was my safety, but God needs to be.

and He's never going to let me go.

God is love.

FACT

True love really does conquer all :)

Believe, trust and have faith.

Communicate your feelings.

Listen.

Open up; you'll never know unless you try.

What do you have to lose?

If it's true love, it'll find a way.

Reminded

I'm reminded...

When people around me are going through break-ups, heart-aches, and painful truths, I'm reminded that although the distance may break us up, my heart may ache for him to be close, and the truth of him being far away may be painful - at least we're together.

Going strong. In it for the long run. Each other's best friends.   

I know I can rely on him. I know I can trust him.

And I know that when I see him next, no time will be wasted.

Distance may be painful, but it's better than being full of pain from the one you love.

I am loved :)

And that makes all the difference.

The One Thing I've Learned...

The one thing I've learned through distance,

is that in order for the relationship to work,

both partners have to trust. 

Have to listen. 

And have to speak.  

Trust is the hardest of these three for me.

There's always that little, annoying voice wayyy back in my head that likes to think of every possible bad situation.

My heart knows the truth, but my head needs to be reminded.

Once you've been hurt, it's to not let that effect future, similar situations.

But I believe the situation is different now. I know it is.

And my heart knows it is. My head is still so skeptical.

___

With any relationship, you must listen.

Especially in a distance relationship.

This is so vital because you can't see the other person, so in order to understand what they're going through, you must listen to them trying to explain.  Don't push. That'll scare them away.

Be gentle, understanding, patient.

Listen closely, remember what they said, ask them questions about it.

Don't just rush into your story, show them you care. Listen to them first.

___

Believe it or not, I have almost as much trouble speaking as I do trusting.

As I've mentiond before, maybe it's the lack of "connection" because it's through a computer screen.

Maybe I'm afraid someone, other than him, is listening to me open up

Or maybe it's because I'm letting my past effect my future.

And that is WRONG.

The past is past, I need to move on. I need to fully trust again. I need to speak, telling him everything that is really is going on inside of me.

_________________________________________

He can't listen when I don't speak, resulting in a lack of trust with both of us.

This is what I've learned, but this is what I'm still working on.

The battle isn't over yet.