What.

I'm in such a strange place. 

In love. 

For real?

Yet alone.

Why. 

I'm currently, and constantly, learning faith. 

Faith to fully and completely trust God.  

And I do. 

Can I miss him and still have faith?

I'm honestly afraid. 

He says he loves me. 

Yet... we're not "together." 

And I've heard those three words before...

"I love you."

I've heard them, and felt their effect. 

Those words feel great - until the person drops you like a fly. 

Until, they forget about you, 

move on, 

or simply don't care anymore.

That's when those three words echo in your heart,

and burn straight up flesh wounds

that paralyze your ability to believe and trust.

And have faith. 

*sigh*

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid he'll forget me. 

I'm afraid he won't care. 

I'm afraid he'll move on. 

Why do I care?

Well.. because I love him, too. 

We have done this entire thing backwards; 

-Meet for the first time

-Relationship

-Breakup

-Become friends

-Fall in love

Does that mean something?

Does it not?

 Why are my thoughts constantly on him...

That's unhealthy...

Right?

I trust God. I do. 

I know He has great things planned. 

I also know it's all in HIS time.

Not mine. 

I must be patient. My time is not yet here. 

So what do I do about this boy?

No, this man?

Is it wrong to feel so strongly about someone 

over 3,000 miles away who I can only hope and pray I'll see again?

With no commitment to each other, there's no obligation. 

Well, other than love. 

That's a strong obligation, right?

I'd like to say I'm confused, 

but I'm not. 

I'd like to say I'm stressed. 

but I'm not. 

I'd like to say...

Goodnight. To you. 

Please text me back. 

Beyond This Moment... will be too late

Love does not envy...

Love does not boast..

Love keeps no record of wrong doing...

Love is forgiving.

Loves is patient.

Love is kind.

----------------------------------------

I love you. 

And I pray that never goes away.

Love will find a way. 

There is no time limit, no deadline.

It's always there, waiting to surprise us. 

You... you...

were a surprise. 

Such a lovely surprise,

at such a perfect time. 

I never believed in love at first sight...

I never thought someone could fit...

Goes to show, never say never. 

Because as soon as you do, 

God shakes His snow globe of a world 

and turns your plans upside down. 

Live life for today,

tomorrow will never come.

And love today, 

because tomorrow will be too late.

Only in Greece

 After 4  months, 

I gave in to my inner, urging desire and sent him a message. 

Do I regret it?

I'm still not sure. 

*sigh*

 I  may have just shot myself in the foot,
but isn't it better to say what's on your mind rather than holding it in?
Hm.
Wish I knew.

Always said I wanted to go to Greece.
Always said if I vanished, I'd be in Greece.
Come find me in Greece.
 I also always asked him if we could run away to Greece.
His reply was always the same, but I still want to escape.
To Greece.
______________________________________________________________


"When you gonna stop breaking my heart
I don't wanna be another one
Paying for the things I never done
Don't let go
Don't let go,
to my love
....
My love is dying inside
I can fix all those lies
But baby, baby I run, but I'm running to you
You won't see me cry, I'm hiding inside
My heart is in pain but I'm smiling for you..."

alone in Europe

Wow, were these past weeks a struggle.

I was in Germany with my family working at an English camp.

I didn't even decide to join them until 2 weeks before the camp.

Mainly because of the stupid, selfish reason that wasn't ready to go back.

They left before me, leaving me to travel by myself.

I'm a big girl and have been traveling alone for years.

But this year, I did not want to travel alone.

And return home alone.

To much down time to think...

and too many memories to remember.

I got back last night.

From Europe.

I was 7 hours away from him.

and didn't see him...

wow.

So close. So, so close.

The camp was amazing, don't get me wrong.

But satan tried his hardest to distract me the painful way.

I hate to say that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off...

Everything the entire week reminded me of him.

Everything.

It was so hard.

This was the first time in years that I explored new, foreign cities without him.

The first time I wasn't in Europe holding some one's hand.

.His hand.

And of course, while I was fighting my inner desire to jump on a train and rush to see him,

mutual friends posted pictures of him on Facebook.

Looking amazing, of course.

Surrounded by girls, of course.

When it hits, it hits hard. Duh.

Shoulda figured that would happen.

_______________

It's been 4 months and 1 day...

But it feels like yesterday.

Give it all to God, give it all to God, give it all to God....

God, please take it all away.

I'm so tired.

Tired

Why.The.Hell.Do.I.Miss.Him.So.Much.

I can't pull myself together tonight. 

I feel so alone. 

But why?!

I'm tired of this. 

A good day here, a bad night there. 

NO.

I wanna get off the see-saw, climb back up the ladder and finally slide down the slide into a refreshing pool.

_____________________________

They say for every year you dated, that's how many months it'll take to get over the relationship. 

I have a feeling it's going to take much more than four months to get over him. 

I still love him.

mixed emotions

Am I the Only One?

I feel alone. And dissconnected.

Am I the only one who has such a hard time explaining what is really going on in my life through a computer screen?
I may be old fashioned, but I just feel so dissconnected from him, even when we're talking via Skype on webcam.

He asks me how I am...I reply good, then I ask him how he is.

He answers and we end up talking about his day...

But in fact, I lied when I said I was "good."

I'm not ok, but I feel like he doen't really want to know about that part.

So I answer "good" and move on before he can question me.

Inside though, I want him to ask again. I need him to.

 

Now, if we were in person, all he'd need to do is hold my hand or put his arm around me. He could ask me any question in the world and I'd tell him the most detailed answer. Because we would be together. In person. For real.

This online stuff.... I guess I just feel like someone's out there. Watching or listening. I don't know.

I just don't trust technology (even though this blog is on the web...).

Or maybe, it's that I don't feel safe around it.

It's just too impersonal.

I'm not reallllly talking with him....I'm talking to a screen full of lights =(

 

PLUS:

It's hard to convince my brain that he cares about me while he's so far away. If we were together in person, I'd know. All he'd have to do is hug me.

But through this distance, I feel seperated and alone.

My heart knows he cares...but my brain needs him to ask over and over agian..."how are you?"..."how are you really?"...."seriously, what's going on inside? that no one sees??"

I NEED him to ask those kinds of quetions.
It's like the repitition convinces my brain that he does care and really does want to know.
I need to convince my brain that he's not just asking to be polite.

 

He gets mad at me because he asks how I am and I reply, but he wants an honest answer the first time.

He says I'm not being honest.

I get mad because I can't tell him the first time, I don' feel comfortable yet.

I need to be convinced.

 

It's an ongoing, super annoying cycle....

Do I have a problem?

I don't know what to do.

Imagine You

I can't be with you right now,

so I imagine what it would be like if you were here.

What we'd do, where we'd go...

Then I count down the days again, until I'll see you next.

It helps.

Where ever you may be,

even across the sea,

i love you with all my heart.

athough we're still apart.

Sending my love from afar,

across the ocean to where you are.

i miss you dearly, my love.

so until we meet again,

consider this, your valentine's day hug.

 

-Sarah Brown

Strength

 "Even though we can't be together (in the same place), I don't want to be with anyone else."

When you come to that realization, then you know you can do it.

Love isn't convenient. It's quite the opposite.

But true love that beats all odds....know that's something.

Teaser

When all you need is to hear his/her voice, calling is a great thing.

Although expensive.

I love Skype.

The free connection to anywhere in the world. 

It saved my distance relationship. Seriously.

However, sometimes Skype is more of a teaser than a helper.

On the nights that I realllllly miss him, Skype is rough.

I can hear him, and see him but can't touch him.

That's when I need a hug machine...oh, wait - there IS a hug shirt!

On the market soon, for $500-700.

Yea, in that case I think I'll stick with the Skype - the free way to comunicate.

____________

Still, what else can you do?

Distance relationships usually revolve around phone call schedules.

Unfortunate, but true.

Although it's rough, communication IS what saves relationships.

Whatever it takes, communicate.